Cut the crap. Give me a drink.

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without. 
8. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
12. Ladies first, pretty ladies sooner...
13. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
14. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
15. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
16. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak !!